Not Quite Myself

You might have noticed I haven't been blogging much lately. I haven't written becasue I'm not myself. I mean, of course I am myself but I don't feel like myself. I'm watching me. Outside of myself.

You see, my son Matthew died in October. He was sick for a long time. We hadn't had a real conversation in at least a year. He suffered. I watched him suffer and tried to advocate for him in any way I could. Sometimes that meant making sure the doctors didn't forget to rewrite his anitphychotic medication when he went back to the nursing home from the hospital. Sometimes it meant making sure the aides put a warmer shirt to keep his tiny arms warm.

I ddin't realize he was on my mind all the time. If I hadn't seen him during the day the little nagging voice in my head would remind me that I might be his only visitor that day. I was always on the lookout for a little toy that would make him smile. Taking care of Matthew was what defined my life for almost thirty years.

And now he's gone. And I'm watching myself and waiting for the sad to come. I clean, and cook and talk to people, go to Chirstmas parties, even opened a my new store and I can't feel a thing. Sure I have teary moments but most of the time I'm so fine it's unbelievable.

It's Christmas and Mattthew is gone and so am I.