It's October again and I can't believe how quickly the last year has passed. This time last October my familiy surrounded my son Matthew as he lived his last few days. He had been sick for a long time and we knew he was on his way to a better place, but we didn't know how to live without him.
A year later, I'm still not sure. Matt's life was complicated and challenging and he was often a large pain in the ass, but that was never his intention. The thing about Matt was that he was always so sure of himself and his place in the world. When he was a little child he liked to visit with elderly neighbors. He explained he needed to go see them because, "They'll be so glad to see me." He was right. They were glad to see him.
When he was seven and eight and nine he was sure he would play for the Mariners some day. He didn't notice the ever widening gap between what he could do physically and what his classmates and peers could accomplish. The gap grew even wider when he started having strokes in his early twenties. His balance was bad and he couln't see very well but his confidence didn't waver.
For me, Matt was a lesson in the eternal presence of love. He loved me with the devotion of a three year old. I was his mom and that was enough. I wasn't even close to a perfect mom. I'm not that patient, or kind or self sacrificing, but Matt loved me in a most childish and perfect way. No judgement. No stipulations.
Yup. I was privleged to know the love of my imperfect son. I won't forget. It's still with me. I love you too, Matt.
